the ‘f’ word

In a desensitized world, we hear, say and laugh at pretty much anything. But there’s one ‘f’ word that no one’s talking about in these last months of college and that’s haunting just about every twenty-something: future.

I’m at a crossroad – and knowingly so. And I think that’s what makes it so weird: that I know I’m at an incredibly pivotal, definitive point. I know that my life is just on the brink of change and that the next step is going to be something both daunting and exciting. I’m looking ahead and I see a thousand different choices: where to go, what to do, whom to be. It’s headache inducing, anxiety provoking, and downright scary. But as I keep trekking – putting one step in front of the other – I keep chipping away at the fear that I’m holding onto. The more I force myself to face my (literal) future, the more I replace that fear with acceptance, with gratitude, and with intention.

I graduate from college in exactly 31 days. I have 31 days to cross off the hundreds of undone things on my bucket list; I have 31 days to enjoy what’s left of college; I have 31 days to make the most of ‘the best time of my life’; I have 31 days to acceptably get drunk without judgment on any given day at any given time (sorry mom); and I have 31 days to say goodbye to Los Angeles and the beautiful friends, experiences and life that I’ve had here.

And before I get too dramatic and sappy (too late?), let me just say that a year ago – even 4 months ago – I would have said that I hated Los Angeles. But as my time here has come to a sudden and unsettling end, I’ve come to love this place – with its quirks and weird smells and unpredictable (and constant) traffic. It may be weird but it’s a place and a people that/who allow me to be just as weird, just as fluid, and just as unruly as I want. It’s a place of acceptance – despite the ungodly pressures of fame and beauty. If you connect with the spirit of Los Angeles – the one that exists deeper than Hollywood and the cold pressed juice industry – you’ll realize that Los Angeles really is just a place of expression. It’s given me the chance to not only express both myself and my dreams, but to create them. And for that, I’m thankful.

When I first drove to Los Angeles for my first semester of college, I had no idea who I was, who I wanted to be or what the hell this thing called ‘college’ was going to be like. But now I know: there’s not definition or definitive way of characterizing anything of such opportunity or chance. Which is why I’m so dedicated to approaching this next step of life in a very similar way:

  1. Don’t try to make sense of it
  2. Do what feels right
  3. Trust in whatever’s next

Since age three, the next step was always: school. And then middle school, and then high school and college. But since age three, this is the first time that I don’t have a plan for my future; but I’m not letting that scare me or detour me from following what feels right. I have a million different opportunities ahead, quite a few important decisions to make, and a lifetime of failures and successes to live. So, this crossroad is really more like a multi-way junction without a map or a road sign in sight. And all I can say is, how exciting.

Here’s to the unchartered waters ahead. Can’t wait to share the ride with you.



5 comments on “the ‘f’ word

  1. SUCH an exciting time!!! Enjoy!!!

    Vari x

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Everyone gets scared of the future for some reason, but the future is the most exciting part of our lives because it consists of the unknown, and the unknown is always exciting. I was speaking about this with my sister the other day, how all we have known since Pre-School was going to school and how once we graduate there won’t be alarms on Mondays waking us up to go to class with thirty students learning the same thing as us. It is going to be the best time of our lives. A time where we will explore our true selves and the capacity to which we can achieve great things. Fearing the future is unnecessary because how can one fear something they know absolutely nothing about. Usually people fear something they have some idea about. For the future, we must be excited, to see what it holds and what is going to cross our paths. Got to go into it with an open mind and a open heart and enjoy the ride, letting everything that is going to happen just happen, because at the end of the day we are always where we are meant to be.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. The future is a very daunting but exciting time and I think your experience is a beautiful encapsulation of what most seniors at USC go through in their last days. We live in the USC Bubble – safe – yet, constantly reminded of the gangs and high crime rate and everything our parents told us not to become. But on graduation day, you finally have the real choice of who you want to be, where you will live, what kind of life will you lead? I pinpoint graduation as this time of revelation because it is so easy to float through school mildly doing what you wanted to or being who you were expected to be. Contrary to opinion, I believe there is a very clear daily path at USC: Wake up, 10AM class, lunch at Tutor, class, dinner, group project and homework and toss in football days, homies, and a few other odds and ends. Out in the real world, you get to decide if you want a job at all. There are no majors or minors you can be whoever you want to be. Having the choice is freedom and (if you are familiar with the Hobbsian State of Nature) freedom is terrifying but what we desire all at the same time.

    Liked by 1 person

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